Published August 03. 2012 7:00PM Updated August 04. 2012 5:20PM
Long before all the "Rob-sten" drama unfolded, I planned to devote a whole blog to Kristen Stewart and the perma-puss on her face. (Working title: "Kristen Stewart and Her Face.") I was saving it up for the Twilight junkets this fall, in which I was going to wax on about how she very frequently looks like she's about to vomit or cry in her films and many a press photo, and speculate as to whether her pained expression is the result of crippling gas or manic depression or both.
But nooooo, I have to bust it out now—not because she had an affair with "Snow White and the Huntsman" director Rupert Sanders, but because I've hit my limit of related nonsensical stories online and I really can't wait until Twilight promos begin.
When Stewart announced her infidelity to the world late last month, I was going to suggest that finally, Stewart had an excuse to look like Robert Smith on a particularly bummed out day. The dreamy Pattinson had told her to take a hike and she managed to look like an even bigger idiot by publicly apologizing for an on-set dalliance with a married man—as if such an announcement matters in the grand scheme of things...or in any scheme of things for that matter. My response to her apology was "So (expletive deleted) what?" Why in hell would someone apologize as though they just got caught in a scandal of Watergate-level proportions, when, indeed, we're talking about a furtive make-out session or two? Who cares? Get over yourself Kristen, I said. And with that, I decided NOT to waste space on her or her face.
Of course, the rest of the blogosphere wildly disagreed with me and reported on the incident ad nauseum. (The only one who's gotten it right is Will Ferrell.) Now I've lost brain space to "news" items like "Astrologers Explain: Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson Were Never Really Compatible Anyway"; "Kristen Stewart Moved Out of Lovenest that Robert Pattinson Left Days Earlier"; "Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson Talking Again!" and, the best of the bunch, "Robert Pattinson hides from Kristen Stewart scandal at home of Reese Witherspoon, had his 'heart ripped out' by affair." (You've gotta love the Daily News.)
Sidenote: Rob clearly hasn't read the Spurned Person's Handbook, because when one has been cheated upon, one does not leave one's own house. We kick said cheater to the proverbial curb. Sheesh.
But even that stuff wasn't enough to make me really want to comment on Kristen, her face, or even write a guide to breakups for poor, pushover Rob.
Nope, it was this headline from CNN's "The Marquee Blog": "Robert Pattinson will stick to film promotion schedule."
Um, and why wouldn't he? Because he broke up with someone? Are we supposed to believe that it's an act of bravery that Pattinson is going to soldier on and do his job, "ripped out" heart notwithstanding? Should we stand up and cheer that he's not going to mope forever at Reese's house and do what he was likely contracted to do for his upcoming film "Cosmopolis"?
I've got to lean on Will Ferrell again for just a sec when I ask: is everybody taking crazy pills? Is a shirtless Taylor Lautner going to swoop in next and make a sanctimonious statement?
Somebody please tell me Stewart and Pattinson's publicists have been fired. If they have, can someone do it again, publicly, so at least those of us who'd rather not see headline after headline devoted to this tripe can have some satisfaction? Can I do it?
To their new publicists I suggest that you tell both Rob and Kristen to please shut up already, perhaps adding that it's entirely obnoxious to publicly address relationship issues as though lives are in the balance. (Well, maybe this gal's life in in the balance, but...)
Rob, do your job. The red carpet isn't going to walk itself. PS. I think you'd be adorable with Reese*. You certainly were in (the dreadful) "Water for Elephants." (Note: dreadfulness was not Rob or Reese's fault. A bad script doomed that film.)
Kristen, leave married men alone if at all possible and keep your dirty laundry in your own backyard, if you will. You owe no one but Rob and Sanders' wife Liberty Ross (who apparently threw down quite the gauntlet recently) an apology. That's it. Katharine Hepburn carried on with Spencer Tracy for years. Do you think she got on the horn with the AP and apologized for it? Heck no! I'd say she did OK. Live, learn, and get back to work — and maaaaybe do a few acting workshops, too. (Rob, you're no Brando either. You're lucky you're pretty. Just sayin'.)
In the meantime, if you'd like to see what Kristen Stewart looks like when she's feeling mildly cheerier, check out this photo spread from a recent issue of Vanity Fair. Warning: she doesn't come off much better than she has recently in the story, but the clothes she models in the spread are gorgeous.
*Of course, Reese is re-married now, as a reader pointed out, so while on paper they'd look great together, alas, her marital status makes her a bad technical match for young RPattz. It's sweet that they're pals, though.