There are billions of music bloggers who routinely get more hits than I do. For some reason, though, Tiger Woods has always enjoyed my Aging Rock Dude posts and that's how the World's Greatest Golfer and I became friends.

You'd never think that Tiger was a life-long fan of such hair-spray rockers as WASP, Britny Fox, Ratt, Jackyl and Faster Pussycat, but it's true. (Also: Leo Sayer.)

Early on, I remember we had a spirited exchange which sprang from one of my blogs. Our back-and-forth was about which guy's teeth in the seminal Guns N' Roses lineup you'd least want to brush.

Tiger — "El Tigre," he asked me to call him — was adamant that drummer Steven Adler's fangs would be horrible. El Tigre seemed to have insider knowledge that Adler had a curious habit of tucking small avocados between his cheeks and gums and would hold them in his mouth for days at a time — until they rotted.

That would be pretty foul, but I countered that, not only was guitarist Slash always smoking, he also brushes his teeth with mashed up raw herring instead of toothpaste. El Tigre and I agreed to disagree and then he hid a dozen brown recluse spiders in my mailbox.

Anyhoo, this email/music blog friendship is basically how it came to be that El Tigre's people asked if I would submit a bid for the gig of writing the press statement he delivered Friday morning.

I'm sorry to say that El Tigre's folks passed on my submission, so I don't see that it can hurt anything at this point to share with my suggestions for what Tiger should have said.

TIGER'S APOLOGY ADDRESS

(Tiger approaches podium, grinning and shooting the peace sign with both hands.)

TIGER

Greetings, all! They call me El Tigre!

(Waits for laughter and applause to subside.)

TIGER

I've sorta been out of sight and incommunicado since Thanksgiving night. But I will say this. I still enjoy turkey. And gravy and potatoes. Nothing's changed about that.

(Mimes gnawing a drumstick. Waits for laugher to subside.)

TIGER

Now. Let me say that I'm sorry about … all the hookers and skanks and all … I mean, it's not their fault — or Elin's, for that matter — that I'm a 200-karat FREAK! Ha-ha! Just kidding about all that.

(Wags eyebrows roguishly.)

TIGER

Actually, none of the wild sex stuff is true. Never happened. Not one tryst. Not one skank. Not one porn star.

(Affects stern expression and pounds podium with each syllable below.)

TIGER

Not. One. Accusation. Is. Accurate!

(Takes a deep breath and composes himself.)

TIGER

You talk about vengance. Is vengance going to bring your son back to you or my boy to me? I forgo the vengance of my son. But my youngest son had to leave this country because of this Sollozzo business. So now I have to make arrangments to bring him back safely cleared of all these false charges. Because that's what all this sex stuff is. False charges.

(Extends both hands, palms up, in a gesture of sweet reason.)

TIGER

I'm asking each of you here today — and those of you watching on television or your computer screens or listening on the radio or even getting the text of these remarks via carrier pigeon or smoke signals or Native American drums — to give me the benefit of the doubt. To quote the lyrics of the great Lionel Ritchie and Henry Rollins from their collaborative Dan Fogelberg's Greatest Hits album …

[Tiger takes microphone out of the holder and moves from behind podium. He starts to sing, softly at first, then with increasing volume, and then, still singing, leaves the stage area and disappears behind the curtain to massive applause.)

TIGER (crooning)

Like painted kites, those days and nights went flyin' by

The world was new beneath a blue umbrella sky

Then softer than a piper man, one day it called to you

And, yes, I lost you … to that damned ol' summer wind!

TIGER (re-emerging for final bow)

Thanks! See you at Augusta! Motley Crue IS THE BOMB!