I know it’s late, even for procrastinators like me, to be out shopping for holiday gifts, but in case any of my dear friends and family are still wondering what to buy me this year I’ve compiled a modest list that reflects my new, more enlightened sensibilities toward the great outdoors.

That’s right, I’m tired of all that crunchy granola, tree-hugging, back-to-earth simplicity. Give me something that roars, spews exhaust or puts red meat on the table.

My head starts to pound when I think about all the time and energy I’ve wasted hiking, kayaking or simply gazing at nature when I could have been out there blasting through the wilderness or blasting away at some critter.

To make it easier for those who are feeling especially generous, I’ve taken the time to comb through various catalogs from various outfitters. Here are some actual products, along with actual advertising descriptions, no kidding:

“Cast your eyes upon the 2009 TRX700XX, the biggest, toughest sport ATV Honda has ever created. The TRX700XX isn't just the most powerful ATV we have ever built, with its thundering 686cc, SOHC, liquid-cooled, fuel-injected, four-valve four-stroke engine. It's also the most innovative—consider its four-wheel Independent front and rear double-wishbone Suspension (IRS), another Honda sport ATV first. More? Clothe this snarling package in some of our most outrageously styled bodywork ever, and watch all the other riders mumble to themselves.”

Many times I’ve felt so foolish plodding along with my backpack when a family rumbles past in their off-road vehicle, not even breaking a sweat.

Man, what I wouldn’t give for a Renegade X xc ATV quad, which “packs a mighty 82-hp Rotax 1000 or 71-hp 800R V-Twin engine begging you to put all that force to use on the trail. Add in premier suspension, shocks, tires and wheels, and well, you can understand why we think it takes top-line performance to the next level.”

All that for only $12,399.

Move over, you stupid hikers: Here I come in my Renegade X xc ATV quad.

Of course, no ATV excursion would be complete without a weapon, preferably a high-powered bad boy such as the Ruger Mark II Deluxe Bolt Action Rifle, model M77RSM (7501) or the. 375 H&H Magnum caliber. 23-inch heavy barrel.

“The Ruger Express and Ruger Magnum rifles are powerful big-game rifles that continue a tradition begun in the great game lands of Africa and Asia a century ago. At the same time, they are the embodiment of American ingenuity and technology. These fine bolt-action rifles offer unequaled refinement, and the power and precision to stop even the most formidable big-game.”

Not having much experience hunting big game on my own I might be better off arranging for a safari led by an expert. Bullet Safaris looks to be the best for my tastes.

“Elephant hunting is a very challenging sport. You are in for long days of tracking individual bulls or small groups of mature bull elephants. The size of the track is a good indicator of animal size and sometimes trophy size. Our experience trackers can use the subtle aspects of the animal's foot print to roughly determine his age and size. Elephant dung is also used to tell the age, along with the condition of the animal's teeth. The coarser the particles in the dung, typically the older the elephants teeth may be, thus he may carry more ivory. More often than not, the day ends by turning away from the animal with the hope of finding a bigger tusker in the days to come. Even though they are the largest land animal in the world, they are difficult to see in thick brush, which is their preferred hang out. They walk silently and often the first thing you hear from them is a low rumble or the breaking of branches as they feed. Elephants can cover great distances, so have a comfortable pair of boots. A hunter must know the position of the vitals and brain from multiple angles. A poorly placed shot from even the largest guns will have a negligible effect on the animal. I recommend a .400 caliber with good solids for elephant hunting. The killing shots are close, so open sights or a low power scope is preferred. These are not the same animal that your kids feed peanuts to at the circus – these things are big and don't like people. Elephant in some areas are very aggressive toward people and several are killed every year as problem animals. On the hunt it is not uncommon to be charged. Most of the charges will be a mock charge. The animal will have its ears fanned out, trumpeting loudly, and breaking brush as it heads toward us. This is a very effective display of dominance. A real charge is often silent with the ears pinned against their head. Hunters are killed by elephant every year. Trophy size is assed by the weight of the tusks. Ivory size is genetically determined and varies throughout Africa, some places produce long thin ivory while other locations produce short and thick ivory. Estimating the exact weight of ivory is difficult due the unknown size of the hollow nerve running inside the tusk. Elephant hunting is regulated by the country. CITIES regulated the import and export of elephant trophies. Tanzania and Botswana host the best elephant hunting available to American Clients. Elephant hunts are a minimum of 10 days up to 25 days.”

As far as I’m concerned, time and money well spent.

Now, on to other fun and games. Whenever I’ve kayaked on a quiet lake among loons I’ve always trembled with envy whenever a personal water craft roared by, sending up a huge wake and scattering terrified water fowl. Oh, how I’ve longed to climb out of my cramped cockpit, give my arms a rest and open up the throttle.

The Yamaha SuperJet, with a starting price of $7,999, looks to be the ultimate machine, described as “stable, yet agile enough to hold corners during aggressive moves.”

Yessir, there’s nothing more important than stability when making an aggressive move. I’d hate to think about one of those vessels flipping over when zipping in an around a flock of swans, or when cutting in front of a canoe.

What’s more, the Yamaha SuperJet, “easily moves up and down with the driver, reducing fatigue.”

I don’t know about you, but nothing is more exhausting than riding around all day on a gasoline-powered vessel, so I’ll be happy not to worry about fatigue.

Of course, I might be tempted to go with the industry standard, the Kawasaki Jet Ski Ultra 300lx.

“Whether choosing an ideal ride for a jaunt around the lake or a long-distance ocean cruise, the Jet Ski Ultra 300LX is the ultimate combination of superior performance and luxury accommodations. With an engine that puts out serious horsepower, a scalloped luxury seat and a host of other comforts, this watercraft means serious business when it comes to fun. Power and thrust are what owners are looking for in a larger Jet Ski, and the 300 LX packs plenty of both.”

Best of all, the 300 LX’s dual drink holder “keeps refreshments just a reach away.”

Finally, over the years I’ve unfairly bad-mouthed one outdoor power tool, calling it the worst invention in recorded history: The leaf blower.

I’ve boasted about the simplicity, silence, efficiency, health benefits and reliability of the rake, but that was before I read some of the product reviews for the Husqvarna 50.2cc 2-Cycle Gas Backpack Blower.

“Power: This has plenty for all but the most extreme piles. Even then you can use it to ‘chop’ off smaller sections and work through it. I was able to move mounds of leaves that had been soaked for 2 days prior to clean up by steady rain without issue.”

“It definitely reduces the amount of time I have to spend chasing leaves. It is fun to use and actually motivates me to work in the yard more.”

“Bought this blower because using the small one I had took too long to pick up all the leaves on my property.

With this blower, I was able to blow leaves that filled eighty five 42 gallon bags, into one pile in less than an hour and a half. Should have bought it when I was young.”

“I bought the 150BT because I am tired of lugging the 100’ roll of wire for my old one. I had my yard done in less than an hour and a half with no encumberances. I liked doing it so much I blew all the leaves from our housing development entrance. It looked so good I took it over to my Sister in laws and blew all her maple leaves...then to her Sister Ann’s house where I blew the pine needles into the greenbelt. Time for a little rest now. This unit is a great investment!!”

OK, I’m sold! I hereby renounce my old-fashioned, labor-intensive rake, am prepared to enter the 21st century and turn over a new leaf.

Happy holidays, friends and family, but more important: Happy shopping.